My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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