my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Watching her eat just hurts me
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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