I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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