Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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