Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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