You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
