I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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