Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
