maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
