I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
