batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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