I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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