Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
