For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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