My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
