I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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