i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
