Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
