I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's rum buckets o'clock
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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