I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize