I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Randomize
