I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
