Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
