I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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