Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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