i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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