make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I AM VODKA MAN
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Bring me that man meat
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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