You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
