How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
