She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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