i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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