babies were throwing up all over the place
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
