he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
