i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
