he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
