So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
