It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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