How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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