I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
