I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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