Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Everything about him screamed your future.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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