whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
