I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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