Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
