you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Actions speak louder than pants.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
