just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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