you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
