So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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