I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
