the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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