My Higher Power is John Stamos
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
