i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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