i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
