I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
