my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
