dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
