happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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