I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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